not so fickle

[disclaimer: this sounds kind of hypocritical especially with my last two posts being on love. i honestly didn’t discover these things until last night.]

“You are more than the choices that you've made, 

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 

You are more than the problems you create, 

You've been remade.”

tonight my heart hurts. it hurts because i’ve been discovering a lot of things about myself. 

less then a year ago i ended an incredibly horrible relationship. that relationship has proven to be one of the worst mistakes of my life. one of the most painful mistakes of my life. i have since then forgiven that person, dealt with my anger towards that person, moved on, been healed. 

within the last two days i have discovered that i am not healed. the wound had merely scabbed over. a new situation has brutally  ripped the scab off. it’s bleeding again. i am far from healed. 

you see sure i am no longer angry with that person. i have forgiven that person. there is no hatred for that person in my heart. all well in good. but instead of getting rid of all those feelings i just placed them somewhere else. i placed them on myself. 

last night i came to the stunning conclusion that i hate myself. i hate myself for making such a big mistake. it has marred me. i am no longer whole. i was stupid for ever letting myself get involved in that persons life. i am unworthy of any form of love. i hate myself. 

i didn’t realize any of that until i found myself in a new situation. the new situation has a risk. i could get hurt. bad relationships are like shock therapy. so, of course, this new situation has terrified me. through this whole experience i have discovered all that lies in the above paragraph. 

this hatred for myself has affected a lot of the things that i do. it has really affected my relationship with God. subconsciously i have decided that i am not good enough for God to love.    my mistakes in the past are too great. so i have been ‘working’ extra hard, or feeling the need to work, work. maybe then I would be worth something. 

i couldn’t believe all of this was inside of me. i had no idea it was there. i knew i had an even harder time trusting people since then but i didn’t know i had developed so much hatred for myself and become an incredibly skeptic when it comes to love. God has  brought it to my attention. 

it hurts like crazy. it’s like when you break your leg and it heals wrong. they have to break it again so that it heals properly. i now have to heal again. i have to start over, remind myself that it’s ok to make mistakes and believe i am not what i have done.  my mistakes do not affect my worth. God’s love is not so fickle. 

“Cause this is not about what you've done, 

But what's been done for you. 

This is not about where you've been, 

But where your brokenness brings you to 

This is not about what you feel, 

But what He felt to forgive you, 

And what He felt to make you new.”