introspection

I've been realizing that my posts are a bit shallow. They aren't really showing my heart right now. Just what's happening to/around me. So this post is going to be more heart related, hence the title 'introspection'. If you don't know what that means dig out the dictionary. It's a great word. But enough about the title.

The last couple weeks have been. . . really good for me. I don't know how else to say it. I've been having to do a lot of waiting on God and because of that been seeing so much of myself that needs some serious growing. When you really have no choice but to wait on God, things inside of you really start coming out. Things that you didn't know were there, things you didn't want to be there. A lot of ugly things I like to think that I don't struggle with, that I think are below me. See there's one of them--pride. Through the waiting, God has been pruning, trying to make me a much better plant. I hope it's working cause I don't want to be like this.
One is my lack of patience. I'm such a perfectionist everything bad that I see becomes a mountain that must be moved right at that instant. That's not how it works. Mountains don't move overnight. Slowly, as you chip at them, they become hills, then little bumps, I don't know if you ever get rid of them completely this side of Heaven. I live in a world that has given me most everything instantly. Fast food, microwaves, stores just down the road, the internet, when I have to wait I almost go crazy. So I've been seeing a lot that pours out of impatience--anger, frustration, lack of sleep, crabbiness. Not cool. Very ugly.
Then there's forgiveness. You can talk about it, preach about it, hear about it, think you have it all together but then someone really hurts you, and you see how dreadfully hard it is to forgive them and love them and that you really don't have it together in the least, in fact you know absolutely nothing about it. That's another thing that requires waiting on God. Feeling forgiveness does not come overnight. Neither does the healing of the pain. I don't think the love does either. Forgiveness is a choice not a feeling, love is a choice not a feeling. Both of those can be feelings but they won't always be. I have to choose to forgive, that means in my thoughts way more than my actions. You can hide a lot with your actions, thoughts are my main problem. It's tough. Especially when you don't want to forgive them, you want to make them pay. The last thing you want to do is forgive. But you know it isn't about wanting it's about choosing. Not the easiest thing to do.
Another thing that has been revealed to me is my reliance on what people think about me. I am afraid to be considered weird to some people because of what God wants me to do. That was one thing I thought was beneath me but thought is the key word in this sentence. I don't want to be thought of as weird and out of date. For some reason I think I can get away with not being considered different when Jesus was considered weird, different and hated. I am to be just like Him, what makes me think that life will be a piece of cake and everyone will love me. They won't. The things I believe make me different from the world and the people that say they are Christians but don't live it. Neither of those people will like me. They will fight everything I say, they will belittle me, ridicule me, and hate me. That's hard. But what gives me the idea that being a Christian is easy?

There seems to be a theme throughout this all. Christianity is not about having an easy carefree life. It's about struggles, tears, pain, and rejection. It's about losing your life in order to save it. That's another key to this all. Whatever I face here, whatever pain I have to go through, whatever I have to give up, will be nothing when I get to Heaven. Being with Jesus in a land of no pain, no tears, no rejection, no struggles forever and ever will be worth it all.

That, my friends, is what has been on my heart lately. The things God has been walking me through.

I leave you with two poems. . .



Longing

my spirit is restless
my hear is aching
my home is elsewhere
I don't belong

this country is empty
my country is full
this country is temporal
my country is eternal

my spirit is homesick
my heart is weeping
I long for my country
the country I've never seen

this country has tears
my country has laughter
this country has chaos
my country has peace

my spirit is restless
my heart is aching
my home is elsewhere
I don't belong

Freeing of the Knife

Someone has taken a knife to my heart
Thrown it in carelessly, leaving my heart to bleed
Not noticing the tears that pour from my eyes
The blood and pain that flow from my wound

Carrying on with life as if nothing happened
Leaving me the task of pulling the knife free
Placing it back into the very hands that caused my pain
Then somehow healing my bleeding heart

My heart cries in agony as I try to pull the knife free
It screams, "Don't give it back, oh, you mustn't give it back"
But I must, I know I must, I justI don't know how
My head drops to my hands, the knife still protruding from my heart

I could go on for years with this knife in my heart
I could cover it with clothes, with jewels, and such
My heart would never heal, pain would always be present
I know what I must do but no part will be easy

With both of my hands I grab the knife and pull
I pull with all my might, the pain is horrible
With each inch the initial pain and blood flow tenfold
But as my tears join them afresh, the knife slowly comes free

Slowly, fearfully I place the knife into those cruel, uncaring hands
Strangely they don't see the power I have given them
I am the only one who knows, the only one who understands
My heart is now free of the the knife

Soon the blood will clot, the wound will heal
Someday all that will be left is a scar
Now amidst the blood, pain and tears, I inch towards healing
Healing that only comes from the freeing of the knife